It's ok not to be ok
Updated: May 23, 2019
I wish I could sit here and tell you that I had a perfect day today. Everything went according to plan and exceeded my expectations, and I was so confident it was oozing out of me and I didn't doubt myself once today... but the truth is, I can't tell you that because I didn't have a great day, and that's ok.
I woke up this morning, like many others to the sound of my alarm clock ringing, which immediately puts me in a 'that time already' state of mind. I got up, got ready as usual and head out the door, not much of a care in the world just yet. I put my favourite spotify playlist on and received a call from my most favourite person in the world. So where could it have gone wrong?
The truth is, I can't explain where it went wrong. My head just creates these thoughts that are nothing to do with what is actually happening during my day. My head tells me that today is not a good day, it's not worth it and already I am in a negative mindset. Did I mention it was raining as well, I don't know whether that was relevant but it may have added to my mood.
From the moment I sat there in my car, and arrived at my destination, it was like waves had come crashing down on me. A huge wave of negativity and anxiety. I almost feel myself disconnecting from the world around me and feeling like I am losing control of my life.
Who said life isn't complicated?
Sometimes I randomly cry when this happens, but today I didn't.
And then you realise that something inside you isn't right, that you are harbouring some sad, dark thoughts that have just reached the surface. You can't make sense of the emotions you are feeling, sometimes you are experiencing a few different emotions at once.
And then you bump into someone and they ask you how you are. And again, you think about everything inside your head and come out with the words "I'm fine".
I am not writing this post for sympathy or because I'm Miss Negative or whatever you want to call it. I am simply writing it so you can see that everyone is going through something, and I want you to see that you aren't the only one experiencing the feelings you feel. But in the end, you are only human, a human with emotions, and it's ok not to be ok.